The Latest Superfriends Admittee: Kim Jong Un

by Pejman Yousefzadeh on January 7, 2012

As North Korean watchers are well aware, both Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il possessed fantastic superpowers, according to reports from North Korean propaganda news outlets. Now that Kim Jong Il has finally given up the ghost and has been succeeded by his son, I have been anxious to hear about Kim Jong Un’s special abilities.

My wait is over:

Kim Jong Eun, according to propaganda described in a recent Chinese magazine article, learned to drive at age 3. By 8, he could safely maneuver dirt roads at 75 mph. As a teenager, he mastered four foreign languages. He is now learning three more.

The emerging biography of North Korea’s new leader, considered fictitious in nearly every country but his own, portrays him as the ultimate quick study, a poet and a marksman, an economics whiz and a military strategist.

Not bad! But kind of paltry, when compared to his father and grandfather. Consider the legend of Kim Jong Il:

. . . the dictator shrouded his personality in legend and myth, with many North Koreans believing that Kim possessed magical powers. State propaganda perpetuated claims of Kim’s talents as well, and many North Koreans grew up believing that their leader is a world-renowned fashion icon, the inventor of the hamburger, and their country’s national soccer coach, among other towering achievements.

[. . .]

According to his official biography, Kim Jong-Il was born on Mount Paekdu, the highest point on the Korean peninsula, under a double rainbow. The moment of his birth was foretold by the flight of a swallow and the appearance of a bright, new star in the sky. Three weeks later, Kim was able to walk. And, only five weeks after that, he began to speak.

[. . .]

In 1994, the very first time he played golf, Kim Jong-Il dominated the 7,700-yard Pyongyang Golf Course. He shot an unimaginable 38-under par, recording no worse than a birdie at the country’s lone golf course. His round included 11 holes-in-one, and the feat was verified by 17 bodyguards who were present.

[. . .]

During an intensely creative two year span, Kim Jong-Il composed six operas. His 1974 book, On the Art of Opera: Talk to Creative Workers in the Field of Art and Literature, discusses how Kim and his father revived the genre by pioneering the combination of dance and song on stage. One of the dictator’s plays, “Sea of Blood”—which chronicles the violence of the Japanese occupation before World War II—has been staged over 1,500 times, and Korea News Service has called it an “immortal classical masterpiece.”

And then there is the fact that North Koreans revere Kim Il Sung as a living god. Compared to all of this, being a precocious driver, polyglot, poet, marksman, economist and military genius isn’t all that impressive. I wonder what has caused North Koreans to suddenly have such low standards for their ruthless and disgusting tyrants great and glorious leaders.

  • Anonymous

    This is hilarious! Unless you live in NoKo.

  • David Hoffman

    But is he a light worker like our own Dear Leader?

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