It’s a Fair Cop. But Society’s to Blame.

by Pejman Yousefzadeh on December 28, 2011

I guess it is time to come clean. Despite our best efforts to continue on stealthily with our nefarious activities, I am afraid that we have been found out. It’s true . . . Hugo Chavez’s cancer is entirely our doing.

And by “our,” I mean “mine,” as I was hired to create the very technology to induce cancer that Chavez refers to. You might as well know the whole story, gentle readers, so here it is: In between my day job (used to maintain my cover, you understand), blogging, eating, sleeping, visiting friends, reading books, spending time with family, watching movies, and going out to eat with loved and liked ones, I have been toiling away in my secret lair–bought and paid for by my neocon masters, naturally–to create a form of cancer that can be contracted by Latin American dictators freedom fighters who oppress their own people, and demolish their own economies toil ceaselessly to free their nations from outdated imperialist notions of “liberty,” “progress,” and “economic prosperity.” I had hoped that I could see this project to fruition without anyone on the outside being the wiser, but my plans have been foiled by the Venezuelan tyrant heroic leader and his lunatic pronoucements penetrating intellect.

I pronounce myself in debilitating pain as a consequence of having laughed until my sides ached after having read this story profoundly remorseful for having played so central a role in this diabolical plot. I can only hope that my friends and family will forgive me for my murderous intentions, and I apologize profusely not only to Chavez, but to all of his port-side fans who have written and spoken so glowingly of him in the past. I tried many times to claim that they threw in their lot with a nutcase. But that was all disinformation, and it should be clear as day that Chavez and his acolytes were and are right about everything, while the rest of us are either too crazy to accept Chavez’s truths, or too evil to acknowledge them.

  • Don Meaker


    I am Pejman Yousefzadeh!

  • Bruce

    No exploding cigars?

  • Anonymous

    Your Evil knows no bounds, sir!   We should have been on to you when you invented AIDS in order to kill gays and blacks!

    But now we need to ask  Joe Kennedy, Jr. to explain how he gulled Chavez into selling him oil at discounted prices — after all, he MUST have been in on the plot, no?

    Joe, who appears much more competent as a heating oil delivery man than
    he ever did as a Congressman, must be laughing up his sleeve at his Venezuelan
    “muchacho” .
    I can hear you two plotting:  “You poison him with cancer, I’ll get his scrawl on the discounted oil contract while he’s groggy from chemo.  We’ll laugh all the way to the Banco!”


    (if you don’t live in Mass., Joe appears in TV ads offering cheap heating oil to poor people,  in which he  effusively thanks “muffled muffled, and the people of Venezuela” )

  • David Govett

    Did I do that?

  • OldHiker

    You are forgetting those who pray that God will free the innocent from tyrants and dictators. They, too, share the blame for wanting such lives to be cut short.

  • Anonymous

    Hey, he didn’t actually “accuse-accuse” anyone, he’s just, ya know, putting the question out there. Which is the normal leftist position.

  • jay_manifold

    I want me one of them secret lairs.

  • gman

    Obviously he got cancer from all that sulfur he smelled at the UN after George W spoke.

  • Edwinleap

    So now I’m putting it together.  Did you remotely induce the glorious leader’s heart attack in N. Korea!  You do!  Virtual fist-bump.

  • doc weasel

    hey, a Monty Python reference! I know all that stuff by heart.

  • Scott Lavender

    Hat tip to The Kids in the Hall?

  • Lorenz Gude

    Port Side! There is a chance the Lord will spare you, sir! 

  • Kevin

    Great….now my sides hurt.

  • Bpbatista

    Rats — I was hoping that we really do have the capability to give cancer to foreign despots.  Next on the list would be Ahmedinijad, Putin, Kim Jong-Un, Assad, etc., etc.

  • Daniel Kleitman

    Your ingenuity in providing a different type of cancer for each hero is truly remarkable. You are omnipotent. If I were President Chavez, I would immediately offer my submission to your will.

  • Anonymous

    At first, I wondered if it was because of his cell-phone. But then I realized, his brain was in no danger of contracting brain cancer. So he must have kept it turned on while in his pocket. That made sense to me. And now this!  

    I don’t know what your game is fella, but keep your cancer waves to yourself. Will the madness ever stop?    

  • Ssoerens

    “Victoria Nuland, a U.S. State Department spokeswoman, told reporters
    Thursday that Chavez’s assertion was “horrific and reprehensible.”"

    The proper response would’ve been more along the lines of “Chavez’s assertion was so inane that it had us laughing for a half-hour at least.  To this day, just saying ‘Chavez’ creates giggles among the staff.” 

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