I guess it is time to come clean. Despite our best efforts to continue on stealthily with our nefarious activities, I am afraid that we have been found out. It’s true . . . Hugo Chavez’s cancer is entirely our doing.
And by “our,” I mean “mine,” as I was hired to create the very technology to induce cancer that Chavez refers to. You might as well know the whole story, gentle readers, so here it is: In between my day job (used to maintain my cover, you understand), blogging, eating, sleeping, visiting friends, reading books, spending time with family, watching movies, and going out to eat with loved and liked ones, I have been toiling away in my secret lair–bought and paid for by my neocon masters, naturally–to create a form of cancer that can be contracted by Latin American
dictators freedom fighters who oppress their own people, and demolish their own economies toil ceaselessly to free their nations from outdated imperialist notions of “liberty,” “progress,” and “economic prosperity.” I had hoped that I could see this project to fruition without anyone on the outside being the wiser, but my plans have been foiled by the Venezuelan tyrant heroic leader and his lunatic pronoucements penetrating intellect.
I pronounce myself
in debilitating pain as a consequence of having laughed until my sides ached after having read this story profoundly remorseful for having played so central a role in this diabolical plot. I can only hope that my friends and family will forgive me for my murderous intentions, and I apologize profusely not only to Chavez, but to all of his port-side fans who have written and spoken so glowingly of him in the past. I tried many times to claim that they threw in their lot with a nutcase. But that was all disinformation, and it should be clear as day that Chavez and his acolytes were and are right about everything, while the rest of us are either too crazy to accept Chavez’s truths, or too evil to acknowledge them.