My Federal Family

by Pejman Yousefzadeh on September 1, 2011

I am pleased to know that I have one. Granted, the members of my federal family rarely call or write, and when they do, it is to tell me that I ought to give them money or else the IRS will come calling out of the goodness of my own heart. Because family members support one another, of course. Additionally, it’s not as though we gather all that often around the banquet table in order to celebrate Thanksgiving, or any other holiday. In fact, when I think about it, I cannot remember any time when we have gotten together for a nice, family meal.

That having been written, I am confident that I will see many members of my federal family next year–not to mention members of my state and city families. Such meetings will take place via television sets, and e-mailed video links, and I will always be made aware of my federal, state, and city families via flyers, bumper stickers, robo-calls, and comments from campaign officials associated with friends and colleagues of my federal, state, and city families. It should make for a lovely reunion. Some people tell me though that after next year, I won’t see these family members again unless they call or write me once more to tell me that I ought to give them money or else the IRS and other tax authorities will come calling out of the goodness of my own heart. But I am sure that they are just being cynical.

  • Chas C-Q

    “Federal” and “family” are almost the opposite ends of the relationship spectrum; short only of, respectively, “global” and “individual.”

  • cpyddub

    As the enacted concept of the “progressive” welfare state crumbles, taking with it the extensive bureaucracy it necessitates and enables, we are going to be witnessing all sorts of desperate, last gasp, crazy.
    Fasten your buckles and keep something heavy at hand.

    • craig

      Preferably a pump-action.  And a .45 for backup.  And a machete in case the zombies still aren’t dead by then.

  • Anonymous

    They’re the belching, potty-mouthed cousin-who-picks-his-pimples-at-the-dinner-table type of relatives.  Totally not welcome at Sunday dinner, and Thanksgiving is right out.

  • Kimmon Johnson

    George Orwell, call your office !

    “Federal family” makes my skin crawl.

  • Pyotr576

    Is there a way I can become a “Federal Family” orphan?  Or at least estranged from most of them?

  • MarkD

    This is too creepy for words – it’s like having a classless ex-con child
    molesting dropout brother who never had a job, lives in the basement and won’t
    shut up.  


    Leave me alone.  Cut me out of the will, I don’t care.  Just go and stay

  • Tom

    Hey Dad – can I borrow the car?

  • Winstonsmithy

    When any of your “federal family” dies, do you stand to inherit?

    • fellowpepwave

      Unlike the death of a member of your “regular” family, all you stand to inherit is debt.

  • Baldwin61354

    I have a 134 IQ and no idea what you are talking about despite being a political junkie. I have no family whatsoever amongst that giant abusive rude collective DMV.

    • Billy Brantingham

      Apparently that 134 IQ didn’t come equipped with a satire sensor.

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